Personal visits could consist of going to the home of the grieving family, going to the visitation at the funeral home, or attending the funeral service.

Often, close relatives and friends will visit a family at their home. It is usually good to telephone them first, in case they are resting or perhaps visiting with their pastor or funeral director.

Attending a visitation at the funeral home has become an increasingly popular way for relatives and friends to express their sympathy to the family. If specific hours are published, you know when the family will be available. Usually those hours are in the evening or if on Sunday, often in the afternoon, when most people do not need to take time off from work. When going to a visitation, if it is a small gathering, there may be time for you to actually visit with the family. However, if there is a line of people waiting, it is more appropriate to simply greet the family. Taking more than a minute or two is not fair to the family or to those waiting. Visitors often wonder what they should say to a family. "He's in a better place or I know how you feel" can sometimes be taken the wrong way. A simple "You have my sympathy" or "I'll be thinking of you" is safer. Families will remember your presence longer than what you said.

Attendance at funeral services has been decreasing, partly because some relatives and friends are unable to take time off from work. However, families need the support of others at the ceremonies, too, not just the visitation. Often, funerals can be positive and uplifting experiences for those present.

Giving Gifts

Giving gifts to express sympathy includes bringing food to the family's home, giving a memorial, or sending flowers or other items to the visitation and service.

When bringing food to the house, make sure there is a label as to who it is from and instructions for preparation, if appropriate. Ideally, the food should be in a disposable container. If it is a container that will need to be returned, make sure it is securely labeled.

Money for a memorial may be given directly to the family or left at the funeral home or given to a funeral director. It should be in a card and/or envelope. Funeral homes have generic envelopes that can be used and they will have a designated basket or slot for cards and memorials at the visitation and service. Small amounts of cash may be given, but checks are preferred. If the family has designated a memorial, the check may be made out to that organization. Otherwise, make the check payable to a family member.

When people send flowers, they usually order them from a florist, who will deliver them at the appropriate time. Sometimes visitors bring flowers along to the visitation, which can be awkward. Gifts that are to be displayed should be brought to the funeral home before the family visiting hours begin.

In recent years, we have seen more gifts of items other than flowers, such as framed pictures or verses, as well as figurines. If you do this, make sure that there is a card securely attached to the item, saying who it is from. Also, on the back of the card, write a brief description of the item, in case the card gets separated from the gift. Also, make sure the card is in proportion to the item. The gift, not the card, should be the most visible part. Gifts do not have to be monetary. Mowing the lawn or shoveling the walk at the family's house are examples. They will want their home to look nice, but they may not have had time for the usual chores, especially if they have been staying with their loved one in a hospital or nursing home. Also, you could offer to wash the family's vehicles for the funeral procession, clean their house, or care for a pet. Your personal attention may be more appreciated than something tangible.

Once the formal ceremonies have ended, it is important to continue to express your sympathy and understanding to the family. The lawn will still need mowing or the family may need groceries. They are probably busy catching-up on things or they may not feel like taking care of those everyday matters. It is all right to say "Let me know if you need anything", but you will probably get more results if you are specific, such as "Let's go out for coffee" or "I need some bread and milk; why don't you come along?"

Grieving is an emotion everyone experiences. Sympathy and understanding from relatives and friends can help make the process easier.